Clark Gable

I miss writing in this blog. It was my “writing home” for such a long time. It’s been almost 15 years.

The first post I ever wrote was in 2010. I was such a fresh and new adult, 22.

I guess I have a little bit more practice as an adult now, or at least I hope. I have found that life keeps giving you the same lesson over and over again until you get it.

Maybe I’m starting to get it.

I did start crying in my car today. I don’t break into tears often, but I was overcome with a sudden wave of loneliness. I think I thought I would have met my *someone* by now.

I’m all for independence and alone time and solo personal development and whatnot, but I am tired of doing this all alone.

I want someone to share a brain with.

I want someone to share a bed with.

I want someone to share a life with.

I don’t really feel like this is something I would post on my coaching website. Maybe I would. If you haven’t visited my website or signed up for my newsletter, please do so, if you’d like.

I do try to keep it motivational and inspirational over there. And I mostly feel motivated and inspired.

What brought on my tears earlier was driving by NormalTown and remembering a recent date I’d had at Hilo (a bar there).

The guy was so nice and so charming and so tall, but the more we got to know each other, I knew it wasn’t HIM. At least I’ve dated so many nonmatches, it’s a little easier to tell now.

But what if I never feel IT again? I’ve felt it before, but I’ve been wrong, or well, it’s been misplaced. I think I’ve spent a good amount of time projecting my own potential onto others.

To quote The Postal Service:

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it’s absurd.

I’m not silly to want that, I know I’m not.

Now I’m listening to the whole album and maybe I’ll cry some highschool tears. I think the biggest different between now and highschool is my age and what I believe I can give myself.

My life is far better and more “successful” than I ever would have imagined. I used to think I would die at 25. And I probably should have.

I had no regard for risk and danger and all the sex and drugs. When you lose your faith and your father in back to back years, there’s not much that can help besides staring into the abyss.

I had already started habitually using alcohol to quell the demons of social anxiety and my own perceived self unworthiness. When I go back and think about my young self now, I was pretty ahead of the game.

But, instead, I chose to try to dull myself and fit in and dim my inner spirit. I did this for year, I would show glimpses and bits of my real self, but I so badly wanted to stop standing out.

You see, I had been homeschooled and back then I thought it was a bad thing. As I’ve entered further into adulthood, I now recognize that my uniqueness and unsameness is part of my differentiated value proposition.

I’m thankful for my speckled past and my fall from faith and all that I’ve learned.

But it was hard. It’s hard to hate yourself. It’s really tough to come back from that. It’s heartwrenching to experience, and I’m sure it was difficult to observe.

And I still hear that voice. I hear that voice inside my head, it tells me I’ll be alone forever because I am unlovable. It tells me that the happiness I feel is only temporary and that I don’t deserve it. It screams that I am an imposter and that the people who like me won’t anymore once they get to really know me.

Anytime I lose a friend (which feels like all the time) or go through a breakup (from every relationship), that voice smugly tells me “I told you so”.

Is it going to be like this forever?

I started going to church again. I feel at home there, and safe. I don’t feel the horrible way I used to when I went to church.

Maybe it’s just me that has changed. It does make a different when you like yourself.

Maybe the church I go to now is a better fit, the pastor does a good job at not making me feel like shit all the time… in fact, it’s uplifting.

I think I’m going to go to bed now. Luna’s gone all week and it’s been, well quiet. I think kids do a good job at distracting the adults from their thoughts.

Maybe that’s one of the appeals of having children. Never thought about that.

Okay, now I’m really just rambling. Peace.

THAT HIGHSCHOOL FEELING

Sometimes I hear people say: “Is there any good music being created anymore? It just doesn’t make me feel like it used to.”

I’ve often wondered that myself. There’s nothing worse than trying to feel something and coming up with *nothingness*. It’s actually happened to me quite a lot. I’ve come to learn that’s an indicator of me doing something wrong.

It’s not the music, it’s me. If good music sounds like nothing to me, it means I’m not open to feeling, I’m blocked in some way, or out of alignment, if you will.

I know everyone’s needs are different, but for me: if I’m forcing myself into a shape that isn’t in alignment with my core values, it dims my light. It makes music suck.

I say all this to say, I’m laying in my bed and listening to Manchester Orchestra. This is the most recent band that’s taken me by storm and it’s a perfect storm because I’m falling in love simultaneously and there’s complication and angst and delight and joy. It’s the highschool feeling.

I go for years sometimes without feeling it.

But it’s the feeling of immense possibility and the weight of it all. It’s the utter unknowingness and uncertainty of the experienced life and the unexperienced future. It’s feels really good but it also hurts. DMT was kinda like this x 100.

There’s a common sentiment in our culture that this feeling only belongs in highschool or to the youth. I contest that with every ounce and fiber of my being. There’s so much medication to take our feelings away. People are scared of staring into the abyss of the human experience.

And I get it. It’s terrifying.

It’s terrifying to consider one is heading in the wrong direction or toward danger or heartbreak or failure. But you need all of that. You need to the darkness to appreciate the light.

I wrote THIS POST thirteen years ago, and I’m still grappling with the same questions. What do I want? How do I want to feel? Who do I want to let in?

Yes, it’s exhausting and terrifying to be constantly evaluating and challenging and questioning and reinventing, but I don’t think I could stomach the alternative. I actually consider it life’s homework to do all of the above.

And we’re allowed to change. In fact, we should always be changing and growing. And maybe the questions never change. Maybe just me as the questionER changes. That’s a cool way to think about it. I never had before.

Maybe it’s like going through the same series of actions over an extended period of time and observing how I change as the questions stay the same (kinda like ashtanga or bikram yoga).

See, this is why I love writing, I work shit out in real time. This may be a huge epiphany I had just now while I’m writing. Love it.

So, how do I wrap this up… can’t have the good without the bad. Feeling (regardless of it’s a *good* or *bad* feeling) beats the monotony of the numb life.

And while my questions may stay the same, I will constantly be learning and growing and evolving in my role as the asker of the questions. That’s all for now. PEACE.

(now I’m off to google “how to make a million dollars without selling my soul”)

Internet + Brain = ?

I sit surrounded by my everchanging goals and my brand new personal development books and my overwhelm. I think I might be crying. I try and I think and I read and I post and I create and I write and I read and am I even any closer to where I want to be?

I met with a potential business mentor last week. We spoke for about an hour and at the end, he looked me in the eye and said:

“You really need to figure out what you want.”

My brain started to implode. DAMN it, why does it always come back to my inner work and excavation. Haven’t I done enough of that. Isn’t it time for me to just *figure it out* already.

I go through brief periods where I think I know what I want. I get high on the idea of my visions coming to pass. But then I come down and it all goes away and I’m left with nothing but an idea that no longer gets me off.

This year I cycled through these ideas: creating a youtube channel, opening multiple instagram accounts, public speaking, real estate investing, being a better realtor, opening a dry bar, only fans (duh!), designing print to order apparel, life coaching and teaching yoga. I’m sure I missed something there.

When I’m down, I consider getting a job, getting on medication, settling for mediocre relationships. I wonder if maybe I’m hoping for too much out of life. I look around at other people and wish I could be more like them.

This isn’t the kind of blog post where I go through the process of writing and by doing that I come to some great epiphany and figure it all out.

This is the kind of blog post where I’m sitting alone in my living room, quietly panicking (about everything!), waiting for someone I’m starting to fall in love with to text me back, ashamed that it’s come to this again, so soon. Why can’t I be independently happy without wishing anything was different.

Bright sides: I have money in the bank and I will not starve. My 4 year old is turning 5 next month and she is healthy. I have the internet and a brain.

On Learning

“In times of change, learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.”

– Philosopher Eric Hoffer on adaptability

Being homeschooled handicapped me in many ways. I had to learn the hard way how to make and keep friends. I was often lonely and isolated (lol, guess that’s just part of the human condition) and when I was younger, I often dreamed of going to a big public school where I could just *fit in* (this never happened. I went, but I made a huge stir).

But what homeschool did teach me was a lesson I can’t unlearn. Being homeschooled and being raised by my eccentric and brilliant mother taught me to love learning. To this day, I freaking love learning.

Like I get off on it. I think that’s why I love tiktok so much. I can learn so easily and immediately.

I used to have to read an encyclopedia to learn about random topics. Then there was Ask Jeeves. Then that text message service cha cha (anyone remember that?). Then youtube, where you move the time around until you found the part of the video with the meat.

Now tiktok. If you’ve known for me a while, you might have noticed that I’ve changed a bit. It’s all because of tiktok. I learned how to dress more stylishly. I learned how to lose a stubborn 20 pounds (intermittent fasting!). I make the most delicious gluten free baked goods and can take on small sewing projects and complete them like I’m a professional.

And it won’t alway be tiktok. It’ll be something else soon. The point is: we live in a changing world. It’s always changing and we should be too. And by should, I mean MUST. It’s not really optional if you want to thrive in our current reality. Now that I think about it though, I can’t imagine there’s ever been a time where being a lifelong interest led learner wasn’t conducive to leading a successful and interesting life.

The thing about loving learning though, it’s so hard to focus. For me, I am so freaking fascinated by everything. I want to learn about spreadsheets and car engines and the clouds and parenting and how to forage for chanterelles and to communicate more effectively.

It’s all overwhelming. Computer dying. Best get learning about finding a charger. Heheh.

I love a multi-day post.

This is the most important lesson I’ve learned recently and it’s so painful.

It has to do with self abandonment. Jillian Turecki articulated it so well here:

This has been me SO many times. It’s a hard lesson to learn. I think I finally learned it though. They say that the universe gives you the same lesson over and over until you finally get it. This one might be mine.

There’s the part of me that is so worried that if I let someone “go” that I felt a connection with, that I’ll never find that again. It’s a deep seated fear of abandonment and pain and isolation and loss.

It’s a fear that can only be solved by sitting in the scathing discomfort of my own lack of self acceptance and love. It’s a fear that can only be overcome by actively recovering from self loathing and shame.

It’s a fear from which I can recover only by choosing myself. Even if that means having a silent phone. Even if that means holding myself as I cry myself to sleep or taking myself out to dinner or going on a walk by myself or just laughing at a meme by myself.

I’m learning that being alone doesn’t equal abandonment. Choosing to spend my time alone instead of with dusty scrubs gives me the power and the reins. And there’s nothing wrong with a little crickets and tumbleweeds. Makes for better sleep.

And that’s the most important lesson I’ve learned recently. The only person I need to choose me is ME and that will never not be the answer.

What If Nothing Changes?

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

We all have heard this quote from James Clear. Why does it pertain to us today?

I’m sitting here in my hotel room getting ready to travel back home. I just attended WealthCon in Las Vegas, a conference for real estate investors, entrepreneurs and content creators. It was not for the faint of heart.

We were moved by some incredibly compelling and accomplished speakers. One morning there was a full on worship service led by a magnetic and hilarious man of faith. I met countless individuals from all over the country who are hard at work in their businesses and thriving.

So… now what? I’m going back to Athens GA. I’m going back to the dirty dishes and laundry and walking the dog. I haven’t kissed my daughter in days. I miss her.

I did a hot yoga class here in Vegas before packing up. As I was going through the motions, sweat pouring from my body, I realized I was panicking. My mind was racing ahead, ahead to the homecoming. I will wake up in my own bed tomorrow morning and *what if nothing changes?*

What if I get back home and my fire fades and what I’m trying to create blurs and I slowly lose momentum and grind to a halt.

What then?

And then it struck me. Nothing WILL change. The change doesn’t occur outside of myself. The change is ME. The change is now. And I can’t go back. I can’t undream my dreams, nor will I.

When I consider the alternative, I feel that fire begin to smolder and I feel my momentum building. What if nothing changes? What if I go back to Athens and keep squandering my time and money? What kind of example will I be for Luna, a mother who daydreams and talks big and doesn’t follow through or commit or accomplish? I won’t allow that to happen.

I think of my childhood, hearing my dad daydream out loud of how grandiose our future might look. How once we saved enough money, things would change. How once we finally found a place we liked to live, things would change. And then, once he beat cancer, things would change.

But they never did. And he never did.

I refuse to be that false hope to my daughter, my young daughter who dreams of traveling with me, who dreams of long days spent with me, just the two of us, enjoying the world.

I’ve made several realizations these past five days.

First of all: nothing is going to change unless I do. Then secondly: I’m not dreaming big enough. I’ve been pressing the gas pedal, but not to the floor. And if I don’t, who will? My last and least favorite realization? I’m addicted to sugar and I’ve been using it just like I would use alcohol in the past. That’ll be my first order of business once I return home, sugar cleanse. Then, finish my book. Then, youtube.

And when I forget the big picture, I will remember I am my daughter’s world. She needs to know that having a vision is not enough. We all want to be rich, we all want to be free. Then I think of James Clear and the truths he teaches.

It’s the daily and excruciating implementation that will make a difference, to change my world, I have to change myself. Let’s GO. Peace.

Why Coaching, Why Me, Why Now?

I’ve spent the majority of my adult life meandering painfully and aimlessly. Looking back now, I can see that I was running from growth, paralyzed by trauma and loss. I used drugs and alcohol and sex and external validation to try to fill a gaping void of feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I was so ashamed of myself — for having such a hard time acclimating to adulthood, for failing to have any clear career ambition or plan for the future and for not having it “all figured out”.

Please let me be clear. I don’t wish I hadn’t experienced life the way I did, then or now. But it was hard. I took the hard way through my twenties. I didn’t learn from others. I tested every boundary for myself and deeply felt every feeling of isolation and loneliness and despair. I’m not proud of many of my choices, but I am proud for having survived.

I’ve always felt called to give back, to make an impact. Part of my frustration from the decade of partying was that I knew I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I knew I was taking the easy and comfortable way down the river, floating wherever the current drew me. I used to hope that something horribly traumatic and shocking would happen to me, just to jolt me out of my cycle of revelry (as if losing my father wasn’t enough).

Everything started to change in 2018, the year before I turned 30. I was in a relationship that I had fought SO hard for but that I was starting to realize wasn’t right for me. I took the leap and quit my full time job in property management to travel to Costa Rica and get my yoga teaching certification. Little did I know, but my life would never be the same again.

Surrounded by the jungle and other warrier women who were pursuing growth and transformation, I experienced a month of spiritual and physical healing. Since I started heavily drinking in highschool, this was the longest amount of time I spent without alcohol. I felt clarity and was reintroduced to my baseline. After a magical month in the jungle, I also shockingly discovered that I was one month pregnant with my daughter Luna. (I know, WHAT?!)

Luna’s father / my then partner was fully supportive of my decision to become a mother. I am forever grateful for mine and Ben’s relationship as it’s evolved through a painful breakup to multiple business partnerships and a loving coparenting relationship. Ben has provided support and space for me to be curious in my career path and I would be remiss if I did not mention this.

Cut to: we are recently broken up and I’m in $20k of consumer debt, I have no job and a four month old. I knew I had to do something. So, per my usual habit, I turned to google and typed in “how to become financially literate”. This google search changed my life. If I had to pinpoint a lightbulb moment, this would be it.

I just started doing everything the internet told me to do. I read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and something clicked. I found several influential podcasts, most notably “Moneysplained” and “Choose FI”. I read every book I could get my hands on about personal finance and financial independence. I started airbnb-ing my personal home every weekend and driving to Atlanta to stay with friends. I worked every shift I could at Ideal Bagel, my restaurant job. I signed up for real estate classes and got my license.

Then: COVID hit. The restaurant closed. For me as a brand new realtor, everything stalled. Against my better judgement, I accepted a full time job in property management, this time for a bigger company. I barely lasted a year. The hours were long, the pay was meager, the boss was toxic. Then, I got pregnant again, this time by someone who wasn’t a good potential partner. I lost this pregnancy in the second trimester. I was devastated and the father disappeared, leaving me to deal with the loss and heartbreak alone.

After a trip to visit my sister on the west coach, I knew I had to change my life. I was unhappy and at the whims of this awful job. I got home and quit almost immediately. When I say a weight was lifted, ooooh buddy. But, the pregnancy loss had caused health complications and I needed to undergo a surgical procedure to stop the bleeding. My mom came up for the weekend, but I mostly did this alone. Thankfully, Luna will be too young to remember, but I was so so crippled with grief during this time.

But: I joined a bigger corporate brokerage with lots of social and mentorship opportunities. I started buying and selling houses. Luna’s father and I got a pair of houses for a great deal and we started renovating. The going was slow but I kept going. Everytime I thought about giving up and getting a job, I remembered the trapped feeling of captivity I would undoubtedly feel and that motivated me to push forward.

I started using social media to tell my story. I posted when I felt good and I posted when I didn’t feel good. I alienated some of my friends who didn’t like the person I was becoming, eager for more out of my time on earth than drinking every night and complaining about life.

I spent almost a year in another relationship that wasn’t right for me. Everything about it pointed to a good match, but the chemistry wasn’t there. It was hard, but I broke it off. He was a good man, but not the right one for me.

Shortly afterward, in March of this year, I met someone who rocked my world. I thought I had finally met HIM. Everything was like how I had imagined it. He swept me off my feet and told me things I’d longed to hear my whole life. For the brief three weeks before he disappeared, I lived in delirious happiness but also fear that he would leave. He did.

It was this experience that so painfully showed me that I still had so much work to do. I realized that I was still waiting for someone to come and save me, that deep down I still didn’t feel like I was worthy or whole. I dove deep into learning about attachment theory and feminine and masculine energies and really just stared so deeply into the dark abyss inside of me that I had ignored for so long.

This was hard. My wounds created by having a father who didn’t accept me as worthy or enough were still oozing. My deep wounds from being raised in a fundamental church that preached my inadequacy were still there too. Acknowledging and beginning to process and heal this trauma was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and am still doing daily.

It’s the part about loving myself that I was missing all these years. I wasn’t kind or compassionate or understanding to myself. I let my inner dialogue speak such mean negative words to me, all the time. I am still in the process of retraining my inner voice, but I’m now able to catch myself and reframe the language. I’ve prioritized my relationship with myself, giving her the food, the exercise, the rest and the enjoyment she deserves.

So… all of this to say. I’m entering the world of coaching because I want to help women who may be experiencing similar pain. I don’t consider myself healed or perfect or anything like that, but I do GET IT. I get it and I want to help. I want to help those who are struggling to process or endure or survive. I so deeply and lovingly want to help others thrive in a way that is powerful and ingratiating and proud. Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It All Comes Down To This One Thing

We (I) hear networking and our eyes begin to glaze over and our minds start to zone out. I’ve always thought of networking as a very superficial and uncomfortable experience. In fact, it always WAS those things until recent years.

When I entered the world of real estate sales, a whole new world opened up to me. Sure, there was a lot of noise that was hard to organize, but many people were saying the same thing but in different ways.

You know the one thing career success almost always comes down to? There’s one thing you can focus on and suddenly sales and networking and branding and marketing ALL lose their sharp edges.

You might be wondering, is it a cool logo? Is it a good business card? Is it a professional demeanor? Is it all the same font in an email? While all of these details are arguably important — it’s not any of those.

Okay, I’ll come out with it. It’s relationships. It’s building relationships with people. I define networking as: finding common ground in order to build a long lasting and mutually beneficial business RELATIONSHIP.

It’s asking questions and listening. It’s focusing on how you can bring value to others. It’s really listening when people tell you how they are. It’s asking follow up questions and setting followup appointments. It’s connecting with people. That’s it. Get better at networking and connecting with other human beings and watch you business grow.

What’s so cool about this is that you can get better at connecting with others. This is a skill you can learn and hone. But Janet, you say: where do I start?

Great question. ALWAYS, the best place to start is by simply observing. Start to listen to your own conversations. Are you talking the whole time? Are you asking questions? Are you responding in a way that establishes a dialogue instead of shutting the whole thing down?

In Stand and Deliver, Dale Carnegie says: “Good conversations should be like the game of tennis, in which the ball is struck back and forth with each player participating equally. Bores are like golfers who just keep hitting their own ball, over and over and over.” Don’t be that golfer in conversations.

Also: start to pay attention to body language. Are you exuding confidence when you walk into a room? Due to our evolutionary makeup, that will make other humans want to know you more. Is someone looking around the room, wanting to leave your conversation? Let them.

I did a whole series of instagram videos on networking and building relationships this week. Take a look if you’re interested. I love the format of making teaching videos about what I’m learning.

And for now, PEACE.

Date’s over buddy; take me home.

“If that’s the case, then please take me home.”

My words landed, awkwardly and unexpectedly on the beautiful and charming man in the seat across from me. He furrowed his brow, not entirely sure what to say next. He had the kind of eyes I could drown in, a smile that could make me forget anyone else existed.

This was our third date, and I could sense my feelings growing. It was also becoming apparent, as time progressed, that we were speaking entirely different languages. First of all, he “wasn’t ready” for a long term commitment and wanted to take it slow. Okay, okay, maybe that’s what normal people do. I’ll give it a try.

But then, just now, he had told me he was non-monogamous. Okay, then take me home. I needed this date to end, and like immediately. So much about this was wrong. I tried to take a bite of my seared ahi tuna salad, and it tasted like sand, and not the pungent salty beach kind, the flat flavorless art kind that you fill a bottle with.

I tried to keep the tears from flowing as we walked back to his car, the air heavy with my discontent. I wasn’t angry with this person, I was just feeling sorry for myself. I keep striking out.

My last longish term relationship, I tried something I hadn’t done before. I tried to stay in the relationship because it made logical sense. But I couldn’t do it for long, my heart wouldn’t let me.

Then there was the sky and stars colliding kind of love, the this is too good to be true experience. It was: he left with no warning three weeks in.

Then there was another handsome man, someone I could close my eyes and fall asleep on, who maybe didn’t make as much sense on paper but who cares about paper when your side hurts from laughing so much.

And now this man, someone who I didn’t have to explain myself to, who I could imagine spending long hours in the car with, who listened to me when I talked, but simply wants something different.

I can’t do non-monogamy. Maybe it’s my own insecurity but it feels more like maybe knowing how much my own heart would wander if given the okay. Maybe because I want to build a life with someone who’s committed to me, whether it’s easy that day or not.

I think it comes down to this: I don’t want to be with someone who’s life doesn’t change from knowing me. I refuse to fit in the tiny allotted uncommitted space that someone allows me. I won’t settle for scraps. I have before and I never will again. I’m worth not losing.

So, what’s the answer. What do I do. I know what the answer is, but it’s not an answer that I can hug and hold at night. It’s to stay the course, it’s to remember my values and my path and what I have to offer and what I stand for. And that’s so hard to do alone.

I went to church today. I’ve been going, actually. It’s like I know what I’m looking for isn’t there, but I keep going back. I don’t feel worse after attending, that’s for sure, just maybe even more lost.

There’s a quote that the pastor shared last week and it’s this: “I don’t believe in God, but I miss him,” and that quote strikes me to the gut. How could this imaginary entity who requires a leap of blind faith be the answer to all my questions. But I still wish that he was.

I think I’ve waxed as philosophical as I can for one day. Peace.

Dragonfly Summer

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation for sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Elisabeth Kübler Ross
Source: Death: The Final Stage of Growth

If this is the case, I am gorgeous.

I feel like I’ve been wading through quicksand, lurching toward a sound or a light in the distance, only to discover that it’s too little too late. If I type enough of what I feel, I can make the tears stream down my face like rain.

I did it again, I met someone who moves me, who feels compelling, who has the twinkle in his eye that I know will crush my heart. I feel so heavy already, as if I’m mourning the relationship before it’s even begun.

The dragonflies have been so plentiful this year. I thought they meant something. I thought the best of luck and abundance would have enveloped me by now.

My therapist asked me what I needed today, as I sobbed on the screen of our virtual zoom session. “I really just need some good news,” was all I could tell her.

Yes, I’m lonely. And yes, I know that alone doesn’t have to mean lonely, but I’m fucking lonely. I’m tired of going to sleep alone. I miss the sleeping figures that have joined me and then left before I was ready. I want it to be like the movies, isn’t film meant to resemble life?

I’m fatigued by the naysayers being right. I’m exhausted that I haven’t figured very much out. I’m supposed to be synthesizing the world and finding my voice and spitting it all back out in a valuable way, but what if I never do? What if I never find my voice? What if I die unremarkable and forgotten? What if I never publish my books, never live on my farm and live off the earth?

I’m growing older, maybe wiser, but not less soft. I’m strong on the exterior because I have to be, but I so ache for my person. I miss my person and I don’t even know if he exists.

I didn’t think that ovulation was supposed to be so raw. I’ve cried a lot today. I’m crying now. I’m overwhelmed with the frustration of an unlived life and unspent love. Why can’t I just scream and my mom comes and fixes everything. Oh yeah, I’m the mom now.

Tired of All the Lessons

They say that some people are only supposed to be in your life for a short while, that maybe they cross your path to show you more about yourself, to teach you lessons. Well, I’m tired of all the lessons.

I’m tired of believing in something and it falling away. I’m tired of imagining a life with someone and then it’s just not true after all. And I’m tired of breaking my daughter’s heart. Each person that I say goodbye to, she does too, and with less understanding.

But what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to survive? Am I supposed to change who I am? I had to change my identity surrounding alcohol to make a change there. Maybe that’s what I have to do with dating. But I don’t want to be different or less or more. I want to be me and for someone to love me for it.

Or: maybe I need to stop searching. Maybe I need to pursue my goals and find my happiness and live my life. I have so been doing that though.

I feel so sad and so tired and I am so tired of feeling sad and tired. I’m exhausted. I cry after every birthday party I go to where the moms and the dads are double teaming and standing together and supporting each other. I’m so strong, but for how long.

I know the answer is gratitude and acting *as if*, but reality is so deafening. I’ve been going to church and feeling so emotional there. I know I’m at a weak point, and I can feel the tug. But is that me giving up or is that God? How would I know, since a great leap of faith is required to be a part of that community.

I keep striving and trying and being open and receptive and generous and grateful, but it’s still just me, alone at night, alone in the morning.

Even as I write this post, I am ashamed to be so sad and so dismal feeling. I know I need to keep my head up and keep it all together and keep networking and being a supermom and entrepreneur, but I’m just so tired. Isn’t this all supposed to compound and build up to make something beautiful?