“If that’s the case, then please take me home.”

My words landed, awkwardly and unexpectedly on the beautiful and charming man in the seat across from me. He furrowed his brow, not entirely sure what to say next. He had the kind of eyes I could drown in, a smile that could make me forget anyone else existed.

This was our third date, and I could sense my feelings growing. It was also becoming apparent, as time progressed, that we were speaking entirely different languages. First of all, he “wasn’t ready” for a long term commitment and wanted to take it slow. Okay, okay, maybe that’s what normal people do. I’ll give it a try.

But then, just now, he had told me he was non-monogamous. Okay, then take me home. I needed this date to end, and like immediately. So much about this was wrong. I tried to take a bite of my seared ahi tuna salad, and it tasted like sand, and not the pungent salty beach kind, the flat flavorless art kind that you fill a bottle with.

I tried to keep the tears from flowing as we walked back to his car, the air heavy with my discontent. I wasn’t angry with this person, I was just feeling sorry for myself. I keep striking out.

My last longish term relationship, I tried something I hadn’t done before. I tried to stay in the relationship because it made logical sense. But I couldn’t do it for long, my heart wouldn’t let me.

Then there was the sky and stars colliding kind of love, the this is too good to be true experience. It was: he left with no warning three weeks in.

Then there was another handsome man, someone I could close my eyes and fall asleep on, who maybe didn’t make as much sense on paper but who cares about paper when your side hurts from laughing so much.

And now this man, someone who I didn’t have to explain myself to, who I could imagine spending long hours in the car with, who listened to me when I talked, but simply wants something different.

I can’t do non-monogamy. Maybe it’s my own insecurity but it feels more like maybe knowing how much my own heart would wander if given the okay. Maybe because I want to build a life with someone who’s committed to me, whether it’s easy that day or not.

I think it comes down to this: I don’t want to be with someone who’s life doesn’t change from knowing me. I refuse to fit in the tiny allotted uncommitted space that someone allows me. I won’t settle for scraps. I have before and I never will again. I’m worth not losing.

So, what’s the answer. What do I do. I know what the answer is, but it’s not an answer that I can hug and hold at night. It’s to stay the course, it’s to remember my values and my path and what I have to offer and what I stand for. And that’s so hard to do alone.

I went to church today. I’ve been going, actually. It’s like I know what I’m looking for isn’t there, but I keep going back. I don’t feel worse after attending, that’s for sure, just maybe even more lost.

There’s a quote that the pastor shared last week and it’s this: “I don’t believe in God, but I miss him,” and that quote strikes me to the gut. How could this imaginary entity who requires a leap of blind faith be the answer to all my questions. But I still wish that he was.

I think I’ve waxed as philosophical as I can for one day. Peace.